Posted in Religion

Ramadan Prep.

Hi everybody! It has definitely been a while- I made the decision to take a loooong break because I felt it was needed. I won’t go into it now but I plan to do a separate post on self-care/mental health soon.

Today’s post is about Ramadan!!! Two years ago, I had the best Ramadan ever. I came out of it feeling renewed and accomplished. You know that feeling at the end of an exam, that feeling of ‘I tried my ultimate best’? That’s the way I felt. I’m hoping to be able to achieve that again, so I’m looking back at the few things I did.

  • Make a list- I don’t know about ye, but I always find that Ramadan always seems to come at the best time. It comes around just when you need it. I found that I had so much to talk to God about but I could never remember it all when I was actually praying. So, I made a list. A list of all the things that I wanted to discuss with God. This way, nothing was left out.

 

  • Be present- For most of us, we don’t always have the opportunity to take time off during Ramadan. So, we fit it into our everyday lives. To be honest, I quite like this because it allows an easy transition after Ramadan; it allows us to continue with the acts that we have taken up during Ramadan after Ramadan. However, because we are fitting it into our daily lives, it is easy to go about the day fasting without actually thinking about the act of fasting or the reason behind the fast. Being present earns us more reward and allows one to really connect with God.

ramadan

 

  • Take full advantage of your time- Be conscious of your time and try to do something productive with it. Although busy, I find that I am most productive during this blessed month. I tried to fill gaps in my day with different acts of worship. For example, I used to get public transport back and forth from work, rather than sitting on the bus for an hour in total doing nothing, I used that opportunity to read my Qur’an. This might not work for you if you need complete silence to read. However, I am sure there are other acts that one can fill that time with such as saying ‘astaghfirullah’. Remember every little helps.

 

  • Have a realistic plan- Each year I set goals for Ramadan, each year I struggled to achieve them until two years ago. I was able to achieve them two years ago because they were realistic. Do not mistake realistic for easy. My goals were realistic but they were also challenging. Don’t plan to finish the Qur’an 10 times when you struggle to finish it once in a year. Know what your capabilities are and plan with that in mind.

 

May Allah make it easy for us, allow us to get the best out of this Ramadan and give us the opportunity to see many more.

Till next time

 

-A

Advertisements
Posted in Culture, Empowerment, Relationships

New you, New Wife?

Hi everybody, hope ye are all having a good week so far. My week started off well until I came across a certain scene in a Nigerian movie. This particular scene really annoyed me, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So, as you do, I decided to talk about it.

My mother-in-law was watching a Nigerian movie and I happened to walk in on a scene in which a husband was explaining to his wife the reason behind him marrying another wife. Basically, this man married another wife because he felt his wife was not suitable for his new role. He had been elected to a certain position in the community and felt he needed a more learned woman by his side.

I can understand why he felt his wife might not be the most suitable candidate for his new position. His new role put him in the public eye and required him to interact with the public. If seen with him, she will be forced to speak English, which she was unable to. However, I’m not sure that marrying another wife is the solution. If his current wife is not holding it down the way he wants her to, then why can’t he support her to be the wife he wants her to be (assuming she wants to be that wife). Instead, he chose to marry another wife, forgetting that she didn’t speak English when he married her.

marital growth

I’m just tired of hearing about men marrying new wives because they refuse to support their wives to be better. Yes, the Islamic religion permits a man to marry more than one wife (This man wasn’t a Muslim btw). I am not disputing that. However, marrying another wife to replace another seems selfish to me, especially if the things she lacks can be achieved. These women have been through the worst with you, choosing to basically replace or dump her when you reach a certain milestone is just lazy and selfish. He was very happy being married to her until he was promoted to this new role, so why isn’t she good enough now.

I’ve heard so many silly reasons for men wanting to re-marry; ‘I want a younger wife’, ‘her body is not as toned as it used to be’. They forget that they are the reason her body isn’t toned, they forget that she was young when they got married.  If her body isn’t as toned as it used to be, encourage her to exercise. In fact, exercise with her and get rid of your belly. You don’t see women re-marrying because their husbands now have pot-bellies, so why is it okay for men to do it? Marriage shouldn’t be a ‘you’re good for this aspect of my life’ thing. The person you marry should be good for every aspect of your life. An example is Goodluck Jonathan and Patience (ex-president of Nigeria and his wife). Patience wasn’t as learned as her husband but she was still known as the First Lady of Nigeria (although, I do think he should have encouraged her to improve her English to save her from ridicule). I believe that marriage should be a loving partnership in which both partners support and encourage each other to be better. Your marriage should encourage your personal growth. Your partner should be your cheerleader.

That said, I’m not going to completely put this on men. As a person, it is your duty to improve yourself in any way that you can. At the end of the day, no one can care about you more than you care about yourself. In order to make sure that life doesn’t leave you behind, you need to continue to work on yourself. The woman in the movie took things into her own hands and started to learn English part-time. I didn’t stay to watch the rest of the movie but I wouldn’t be surprised if her husband came running back to her beaming with pride.

Till next time

-A

 

Posted in Empowerment

MY 25

This week, I turned 25!!! Alhamdulillah!

Like many of us, the age ’25’ has always been one that I looked forward to. A quarter of a century. It would be the year that I would truly be an adult, I used it as a landmark for several achievements, the main one being marriage; “By 25, I want to be settled and married”. I remember uttering those words so many times. I believed that at this age, I would have worked to achieve all that I wanted and be ready to settle down to start a family; I’d be a professional ______ , my career would be sorted and I’d be earning big coins.

So, turning 25, I couldn’t help but feel the pressure that I had set for myself. I thought about the things that I am yet to acquire. While thinking about that, I noticed that others are on a different wavelength. Social media can be both encouraging and discouraging. Everyone’s doing different things, taking different steps. Some have achieved things I am yet to achieve. Some are yet to achieve things I have achieved. Some people are building their families, some are building their careers, some are doing both and some are doing none. Their 25 looks different to mine.

25

Of course, it got me wondering about the current state of my life and whether or not the decisions that have brought me here were the right ones. Additionally, I started to unintentionally compare my current state to others-  this was when I had to stop myself. Comparison is generally not a problem for me. I learned at a young age not to compare myself to others. Like, Roosevelt said ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. However, due to the pressure I had already put on myself, I found myself comparing involuntary.

Please don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with setting goals and setting a timeframe for those goals- it keeps us focused. However, it is important to realise that things happen at the best time and that things happen to people at different times. There are many paths to success. Your path will differ from mine and vice versa. You planned to graduate at 19 but you didn’t, you hoped to become a mum at 25 and it didn’t happen; hope is not lost. We plan but He plans best. Embrace where you are in your life and continue to work towards where you want to be. Focus on your own blessings while you continue to strive.

What I envisioned for my 25 isn’t exactly what it looks like. I was somewhat right, I am married (Alhamdulillah) but I’m not completely settled in some other aspects of my life. For some people, it’s the other way around. Rather than questioning things and feeling sad about the things I am yet to achieve, I’m choosing to focus on what MY25 looks like. I am learning to accept and embrace MY25, my path.

Till next time

-A

Posted in Relationships

I’m sorry.

“Apologising does not always mean that you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego” 

Hi everybody,

Last week, my husband and I had a slight misunderstanding. Misunderstandings aren’t unusual in relationships, but this one differed because we both felt we were in the right. Neither of us wanted to apologise because we felt the other person was wrong. I wasn’t too bothered about the argument at this stage because, like I said earlier, misunderstandings are not unusual in relationships.

However, the misunderstanding started to linger because neither of us wanted to accept blame. We were both annoyed at each other and were waiting for the other to apologise. As you’d imagine, the delay in resolving the disagreement started to affect the relationship. We weren’t rude to each other, we weren’t ignoring each other. In the space of a few minutes, the way we corresponded to each other started to change. The way we spoke to each other started to change slightly; pet names went down the drain, ‘would you like to eat now?’ became ‘your food is in the kitchen?’ the way we acted towards each other was slightly different. This was when I started to worry. So, I decided to apologise.

It wasn’t so easy. It took me a good couple of minutes to come to that decision. I had initially planned on starting another dispute about how I was right and he was wrong. I wanted him to see my point of view and apologise. However, I started to think about the impact of the initial argument. We were both annoyed and none of us was willing to budge. We had already argued about being right, going in to try to convince him with another argument was not going to make any positive difference.

peace

At that time, there were only slight changes, but I started to worry about how these changes might progress if things stayed the way they were. Although there had only been little changes at that point, those changes were important to me and were part of what made our relationship. The way we related to each other really mattered to me. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice that for a silly argument. So, I said ‘I’m sorry’.

To be clear, I still didn’t agree that I was wrong. And I wasn’t apologising just to apologise. I was apologising because the dynamics of our relationship was more important to me than winning an argument. As well as that, I knew that apologising would open the line of communication and help towards resolving the matter rather than living things to fester and turn into something else.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there will be times when you have to put your ego aside in order to do what’s best for your relationship. It is a matter of importance, your relationship or your ego. For me, the decision to apologise became easier when my relationship started to change from what we wanted it to be. I knew something had to be done. As far as I was concerned, the argument was creating little cracks in our relationship. It had only been a few minutes, I wonder what changes hours might have made. I wasn’t prepared to wait and see the holes those cracks might turn into. My relationship was and is way too important to me.

Till next time

-A

Posted in Culture, Relationships

Standards

Speaking to several friends/sisters about marriage, I noticed a common theme; most of them were being advised to lower their standards when it comes to men, in order to find a spouse. For the purpose of this post, ‘lowering standards’ refers to saying ‘Yes’ when you’re not completely happy.

I can understand the pressure to reduce standards when it comes to marriage. Unfortunately for us, especially in this part of the world, there is a scarcity of ‘husband material’. Yes, husband material. There are more women ready for marriage than there are men. Men our age are either not ready to settle because they are not ‘there’ yet or they aren’t finished playing the field. As well as this, the men that are available are not necessarily what we want.  So, when a ‘good enough’ man comes around, our family and friends encourage us to ‘go for it’, even if it means lowering our standards because another ‘good enough’ man might never show up. As well as this, we have the added pressure of our biological clock. As our mothers would say, ‘your clock is ticking’. We are always reminded of our age and how it may affect things in the future such as bearing children. So, ‘do what you want to do quick’. Of course, this advice comes from a good place, for the most part. Marriage is a huge deal in our culture and it is their dream and happiness to see us married.

yin and yang

However, I have to disagree with marriage under these terms; lowered standards. Marriage is many things. It is a beautiful dream but it is also hard work. It can be difficult, frustrating, stressful. There is a huge difference between being married and being happily married. Lowered standards can be that difference sometimes.  When I reflect on conversations I have had with women who are unhappy in their marriage, I realise that they all say the same thing; the signs were there but they chose to ignore them and settle. In marriage, you will have to compromise on some things, the man you marry shouldn’t be one of them. Everybody’s perfect man differs. What is good for me isn’t necessarily what is good for you. Compatibility is very important in marriage. It is so important that you share the same core values, are able to understand each other and help each other through whatever life throws your way. Marriage is difficult enough, you do not want to add more pressure to it by having a spouse that is not on the same page as you.

Before getting married to my husband, I had several conversations with him. These conversations dealt with things we knew we wanted from each other; things we knew we couldn’t compromise on. We spoke about our day to day lives, our goals, our expectations of each other and our understanding of our roles. We spoke about religion, ambitions, children. All these conversations gave me insight into the man he was and whether he suited me. Learning from my past, I made sure that we shared the same core values not excluding humour. Funnily enough, one of the main things we talked about after Islam, was cleanliness. It’s very important to the both of us and so needed to be addressed. From these conversations, we decided that we were compatible with each other. So, although we have disagreements, our ideas on important issues such as raising our daughter is very much the same.

When thinking of whether to settle or not, I’d advise that you have a list of realistic things that you cannot compromise on; things that are absolutely important for you to make your marriage what you want it to be. This will help you to deal with the pressure and keep yourself in check when deciding on a spouse.

Remember it is better to marry ‘late’ than to marry wrong. Be patient. Think of the end goal, your happiness is important.

 

Till next time

-A

 

 

Posted in Culture, Relationships

A Year and counting…

Hi everybody, hope ye are all having a great week. This week, I’ll be discussing what I have learnt in my marriage so far. I have only been married for a year and a month, so I still have a lot to learn. But here are some of the things I have learnt so far…

  • Marriage is NOT always 50/50- Marriage is not always 50/50. Sometimes, it is 70/30, sometimes it is 60/40. There will be times, more often that none, when one partner will need to do more than the other in order to keep the relationship afloat. Sometimes, your partner just doesn’t have 50 to give. In cases like this, it is important that you pick up the slack. A perfect example is my pregnancy. If you have been following my posts, you would know that I had a terrible time and my husband had to step up greatly. He was doing things that I would normally have done as well as his duties in the household. The main thing is that the relationship was kept afloat. If he had done otherwise, our relationship probably wouldn’t be where it is. Pregnancy is an obvious one. How about a situation where one partner can’t give 50 percent because they are simply tired? If one waits for the other person to put in 50 all the time, things won’t get done. However, if each party gives in the best that they can in order to make the partnership work, the likelihood of things getting done are much higher. If the relationship is important to you, then you should go in with the mentality of wanting to put in the best you can everytime to make things work.

“And one of His signs is that He has created for you, spouses from amongst yourselves so that you might take comfort in them and He has placed between you, love and mercy. In this there is surely evidence (of the truth) for the people who carefully think.” (Quran 30, Verse 21)

  • Love takes work- In the beginning, there was love. Fiery passionate love. When I got married, things got busy really quickly for us. I went back to finish my postgrad in the UK a week after we got married. My husband went back to work. I fell pregnant while doing my postgrad and he fell into the role of the travelling – doting husband. We went from the honeymoon phase to ‘I need to catch a breath’ phase. As you can imagine, things were emotionally tiring for both of us during this time. However, I noticed that it was the little things that kept us going. It was the little things that we did for each other that kept the love going. It was the ‘I took out the bin because I know you hate taking bins out” or the “I bought you werthers because I know how much you love them”. It is the work that we both continue to consciously put in that filters our long days with love. It is the mentality of “what can I do to please my husband today” or “what can I do to please my wife today” that allows the love continue to grow.

happily ever after

Good men are for good women and good women are for good men.” (Quran 24, Verse 26)

  • You get what you put in: If you want an extraordinary husband, then you need to be an extraordinary wife. Just like everything in life, you get what you put in. A great man deserves a great wife and vice versa. We all want the best for ourselves but in order to get the best, you have to put it in your best. If you want a husband that goes the extra mile, you need to be a wife that will go that extra mile. You cannot expect breakfast in bed from a man who barely gets food when he comes home from work. A great man will continue to be a great man if he is supported and appreciated by a great woman and can even become a greater man and vice versa. Show your appreciation for your great man through your actions; saying I love you doesn’t always cut it.

 

  • Other relationships can affect your relationship: If you’re Nigerian like I am, then you know we come from a culture where you don’t just marry the man but you marry the family. Personally, I have always liked this aspect of our culture. I used to always say that I wanted my husband to be able to feel comfortable visiting my family without me having to be there and vice-versa. However, having these close-knit relationships means that arguments and differences can happen. I have found that situations, where a spouse has to deal with recurring differences between his/her partner and another close family member can impact the relationship. It can get tiring having to sort disputes and arguments especially when both sides feel they are in the right. Try not to put your spouse in a situation where he/she feels they have to choose between people that they care about; it can add pressure and stress which can then filter down into your relationship. As well as this, in trying to not take sides, it can cause the build up of walls in a marriage.

 

I’d love to hear your opinions. What have you learnt in your marriage or from others? Tell me in the comment section below.

 

Till next time

–  A

Posted in Motherhood

Labour

“of course it’s hard, why do you think it’s called labour?”- these were the words that my midwife said to me while I was screaming in pain.

My water broke around 6 a.m on a Wednesday morning. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what had happened because it felt more like a really light trickle. I actually thought it was the beginning of a period (pregnancy brain), as it was a little less dramatic than I was expecting. It took me a few minutes to realise that it couldn’t have been my period.  However, I still wasn’t sure what was happening.

I spoke to my husband about it and we laughed at the idea of me being in labour. I soon started to contract. At first, the contractions were very similar to a period cramp. I went back to bed ignoring the pain assuming it was nothing.  However, the pain soon started to intensify. I spoke to my mother-in-law and she insisted we go to the hospital. I was hesitant to go to the hospital at this stage as I didn’t want to go in too early and be told to go back home.

I had my shower and got ready for the hospital. At this stage, I was sure I was contracting. No one had to tell me. The pain was baaaad but it wasn’t consistent. It wasn’t happening often enough to warrant me going to the hospital, I felt. Anyway, I went in and it was confirmed that my waters had broken and I was 1cm dilated. But, just like I thought, I wasn’t just ready to be admitted to the hospital. I had to get to at least 6 cm. I was advised to go home and stay active in order to get my labour going. Regardless of the situation, I was told to come back to the hospital at 11pm that night in order to be induced, as it wasn’t safe for my baby to be out of the waters for over 24 hours. I went back home, my contractions were getting more and more intense but I still wasn’t getting the expected 3 contractions in 10 mins. I felt slightly bipolar, one minute I was grunting in pain, the next minute I was eating fried chicken. I was walking up and down the stairs, trying to stay active. My contractions still weren’t consistent but the pain was starting to become intolerable. I was sure I was getting closer to pushing the baby out.

hand picture

I was admitted to the hospital at 11 o’ clock that night. Going in, I naively thought I’d be in and out by midnight. But that was not the case. My midwife checked me and to my dismay, I was still just 1cm dilated. How was that even possible with the intense pain that I was in? I was put on antibiotics for the night and was going to be induced the next morning. I couldn’t sleep due to my contractions. The next morning, I was taking into my labour room. At this stage, I was starting to feel quite anxious; labour was going to be sore. I was checked again and I was now at 2cm. The frustration. Over 24 hours later!!!  I was put on oxytocin to speed up labour. This was when it all went downhill.

Oxytocin sped things up. My contractions became more frequent leaving me with no breathing space between each contraction. The pain had been unbearable for a good while at this stage, but the lack of space between each contraction meant no time for recovery between contractions.  I was doing rollovers on the bed, I wasn’t coping. I was offered gas and air to help with the pain but it only made me feel drunk and silly. I kept trying to tell myself to ‘behave’ but I just couldn’t. My breathing techniques went out the window. I was a mess… and I still hadn’t dilated any further. Things were starting to look bleak. I was in a lot of pain and I still had a long way to go. I didn’t think I could deal with the pain for much longer. I asked my midwife if things had moved any further; it hadn’t. I was tired. I turned to my husband with tears in my eyes and said: “I cannot do this”. He reassured me that I could but I ignored him, faced my midwife and repeated those exact same words “I cannot do this”. I just couldn’t see the other side.

My midwife suggested taking an epidural. I was at 2cm and I still needed to get to 10cm. I insisted that I didn’t want to take it. I had read about several side effects and wasn’t willing to risk it. Moreover, this person and that person managed without it. I should be able to manage without it. I’m strong too. Well, this wasn’t the case and I’m so glad my midwife talked some sense into me. She basically reminded me that there was life after labour and that I needed to be able to take care of my baby. As well as that, if I was in distress, there was a huge chance that I was putting my baby in distress. And I had been contracting for over 30 hours, I was wrecked. Every situation differs.

I accepted the epidural and life was a breeze. Contractions were a thing of the past. Don’t get me wrong, I was still getting them but I couldn’t feel them. But, I felt guilty. I felt weak. I felt like I wasn’t working for it. I let myself down and my baby down. I shouldn’t have taken the epidural. With all these thoughts going through my head, I chilled and waited until my little girl was ready to make an entrance. She took her time. When she was finally ready, I pushed for 20 minutes and at 21:21 on Thursday night, my baby girl arrived.  It was only after her arrival that I realised what I had just done; I birthed a baby, there was absolutely nothing weak about that.

Till next time

-A