Posted in Culture, Empowerment, Relationships

Where is he?

do not choose the lesser life.

do you hear me.

do you hear me.

choose the life that is. yours.

the life that is seducing your lungs.

that is dripping down your chin.

-Nayyirah Waheed

Let’s talk about the Idea of Nigerian parents, not all, but most expecting you to get married as soon as you’ve graduated. It seems that they assume that with your graduation certificate comes a marriage license.

Now, if that is what YOU want for YOURSELF, and YOU have found a man that YOU are happy to live with for the rest of your life, then so be it. However, if you don’t have a man or you don’t necessarily want to get married straight out of college, this could be a problem.

As Nigerians, we get the “extra parents”. The community where everyone thinks they are your parents. Every person assumes they have the right to talk to you anyhow they deem fit because ‘they care for you and would say the same thing to their daughter’. So, even when your parents aren’t pushing you to get married ASAP, you have the aunties and the uncles at mosque/church asking about it. And if you’re lucky, you have the aunties that are really close to you pestering you to find a man and even telling you which mosques has more men. Every text or call you get is assumed to be from this ‘husband’ to be. You hear a lot of ‘You’re finished uni, what are you waiting for?!’, ‘See, your friend is married now, what are you waiting for?!’.

This might not seem like a big problem if you’re a person that doesn’t really read much into what people say. Like my friend says, just laugh and nod. I tried that, it didn’t really work for me. My laugh and nod were followed by a ‘Why are you laughing, you’re not getting any younger’. If you’re like my friend and it isn’t one bit of a bother to you, then kudos to you. Keep doing what you are doing. However, if you’re the opposite, then this post is for you.

It is so easy to convince yourself you are ready for something because everyone around you is telling you that you should be. But try to take a step out of it all and listen to yourself. Think about what you want. Please do not let people put PRESSURE on you. Everybody has their own path and things will happen at the best time. Do not let people rush you into something you’re not ready for. There is absolutely no need to rush, it will happen when it happens. Do not let them make you feel bad because you haven’t found the one yet. Life is not a race. It’s much better to take the time to find the right guy than to end up with a guy you’re not sure about or unhappy with.

‘women don’t have time, do what you’re going to do quick’

Lies! Take your time! Marriage is not something you rush into or should rush into. And it most definitely isn’t something you can rush out of. It is a life contract! Think about it! Remember that the people that are pushing aren’t the ones that are going into the marriage. It’s your life and whatever happens in it is your cross to bear. Our parents put pressure on us without realising they are doing it. It is up to us to try to withstand that pressure and focus on what we want.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not having a man, yet. Don’t beat yourself up because you don’t have anyone to bring home yet. Don’t allow them to make you feel bad over something that you have no power over. Focus on being the best person that you can be and the right man will find you when the time is right. Take the time to work on yourself. Know what you want and do not compromise on the important things. Be patient with yourself. I truly believe that things will happen at the right time.

My advice is to stay true to what you want and stay true to yourself. At the end of the day, it is your life and you should do what makes you happy. And whatever you do, make sure you do not settle. When you do make the decision to get married, make sure that it is your decision, not someone else’s.

Till next time

– A

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