New you, New Wife?

Hi everybody, hope ye are all having a good week so far. My week started off well until I came across a certain scene in a Nigerian movie. This particular scene really annoyed me, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So, as you do, I decided to talk about it.

My mother-in-law was watching a Nigerian movie and I happened to walk in on a scene in which a husband was explaining to his wife the reason behind him marrying another wife. Basically, this man married another wife because he felt his wife was not suitable for his new role. He had been elected to a certain position in the community and felt he needed a more learned woman by his side.

I can understand why he felt his wife might not be the most suitable candidate for his new position. His new role put him in the public eye and required him to interact with the public. If seen with him, she will be forced to speak English, which she was unable to. However, I’m not sure that marrying another wife is the solution. If his current wife is not holding it down the way he wants her to, then why can’t he support her to be the wife he wants her to be (assuming she wants to be that wife). Instead, he chose to marry another wife, forgetting that she didn’t speak English when he married her.

I’m just tired of hearing about men marrying new wives because they refuse to support their wives to be better. Yes, the Islamic religion permits a man to marry more than one wife (This man wasn’t a Muslim btw). I am not disputing that. However, marrying another wife to replace another seems selfish to me, especially if the things she lacks can be achieved. These women have been through the worst with you, choosing to basically replace or dump her when you reach a certain milestone is just lazy and selfish. He was very happy being married to her until he was promoted to this new role, so why isn’t she good enough now.

I’ve heard so many silly reasons for men wanting to re-marry; ‘I want a younger wife’, ‘her body is not as toned as it used to be’. They forget that they are the reason her body isn’t toned, they forget that she was young when they got married.  If her body isn’t as toned as it used to be, encourage her to exercise. In fact, exercise with her and get rid of your belly. You don’t see women re-marrying because their husbands now have pot-bellies, so why is it okay for men to do it? Marriage shouldn’t be a ‘you’re good for this aspect of my life’ thing. The person you marry should be good for every aspect of your life. An example is Goodluck Jonathan and Patience (ex-president of Nigeria and his wife). Patience wasn’t as learned as her husband but she was still known as the First Lady of Nigeria (although, I do think he should have encouraged her to improve her English to save her from ridicule). I believe that marriage should be a loving partnership in which both partners support and encourage each other to be better. Your marriage should encourage your personal growth. Your partner should be your cheerleader.

That said, I’m not going to completely put this on men. As a person, it is your duty to improve yourself in any way that you can. At the end of the day, no one can care about you more than you care about yourself. In order to make sure that life doesn’t leave you behind, you need to continue to work on yourself. The woman in the movie took things into her own hands and started to learn English part-time. I didn’t stay to watch the rest of the movie but I wouldn’t be surprised if her husband came running back to her beaming with pride.

Till next time

-A

 

MY 25

This week, I turned 25!!! Alhamdulillah!

Like many of us, the age ’25’ has always been one that I looked forward to. A quarter of a century. It would be the year that I would truly be an adult, I used it as a landmark for several achievements, the main one being marriage; “By 25, I want to be settled and married”. I remember uttering those words so many times. I believed that at this age, I would have worked to achieve all that I wanted and be ready to settle down to start a family; I’d be a professional ______ , my career would be sorted and I’d be earning big coins.

So, turning 25, I couldn’t help but feel the pressure that I had set for myself. I thought about the things that I am yet to acquire. While thinking about that, I noticed that others are on a different wavelength. Social media can be both encouraging and discouraging. Everyone’s doing different things, taking different steps. Some have achieved things I am yet to achieve. Some are yet to achieve things I have achieved. Some people are building their families, some are building their careers, some are doing both and some are doing none. Their 25 looks different to mine.

Of course, it got me wondering about the current state of my life and whether or not the decisions that have brought me here were the right ones. Additionally, I started to unintentionally compare my current state to others-  this was when I had to stop myself. Comparison is generally not a problem for me. I learned at a young age not to compare myself to others. Like, Roosevelt said ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. However, due to the pressure I had already put on myself, I found myself comparing involuntary.

Please don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with setting goals and setting a timeframe for those goals- it keeps us focused. However, it is important to realise that things happen at the best time and that things happen to people at different times. There are many paths to success. Your path will differ from mine and vice versa. You planned to graduate at 19 but you didn’t, you hoped to become a mum at 25 and it didn’t happen; hope is not lost. We plan but He plans best. Embrace where you are in your life and continue to work towards where you want to be. Focus on your own blessings while you continue to strive.

What I envisioned for my 25 isn’t exactly what it looks like. I was somewhat right, I am married (Alhamdulillah) but I’m not completely settled in some other aspects of my life. For some people, it’s the other way around. Rather than questioning things and feeling sad about the things I am yet to achieve, I’m choosing to focus on what MY25 looks like. I am learning to accept and embrace MY25, my path.

Till next time

-A

Who am I?

“Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel” – Eleanor Brownn. 

I am a mother and likewise a wife. But that’s definitely not all I am.

Recently, I found that I had to remind myself who I was as a person before I became a wife and a mother. Motherhood and ‘wife duties’ started to define the person that I was. Since becoming a mother, I spend my days taking care of my daughter and husband. My husband leaves for work in the morning and would get back in the evening. Of course, as his partner, it meant that I had to do everything that he couldn’t do while he was at work e.g cleaning, cooking e.t.c Aswell as this, I was trying to get a grasp on my new role as a mother.

For the first couple of weeks after my baby was born, as you’d expect, life was busy and it still is. I was trying to figure out this thing called ‘motherhood’. I was constantly tired due to sleepless nights and loooong days. My baby kept me busy 24/7. Regular ‘simple’ tasks took much longer due to baby interruptions. I looked forward to her daytime naps so I could get a little snooze myself or get another house chore ticked off my list. She was the most important thing in my life. My days revolved around her.

These two new major roles kept me busy. I was waking up tired and going to bed wrecked. I was putting everything into taking care of my home and my baby. I even started to challenge myself. For example, yesterday I had my baby showered, dressed and fed by 11 a.m, today I am going to try to get her ready by 10 a.m. I was starting to feel proud of my little achievements. Things were going great, I was starting to get a hang of things. But, it all came at a cost, at least that’s what it seemed like.

My health was deteriorating. I still hadn’t healed properly from labour. I was barely eating because I just didn’t have the time. But yet I was breastfeeding exclusively. I was dehydrated and constipated, I didn’t seem to have time to drink water either (my lips had never been so dry). Each day was the same; take care of the home and look forward to my husband’s arrival from work. My goals were limited, my conversations were limited; I was a wife, I was a mother… That was it. I was taking care of everybody else but myself. And so I had to think “WHO AM I?” “WHAT EXCITES ME?”, “WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY?”, “WHAT DO I WANT FOR MYSELF?”

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love being a wife to my husband and a mother to my daughter. It is a major part of the person that I am but it is not all that I am and it is not all that I have to be. I love taking care of my family, it brings me great joy and a sense of fulfilment… but I also love to write, exercising, helping out in the community, teaching. All these things make me who I am, all these things take care of me.

So, if you’re like me and you find yourself losing focus on the person that you are or the person that you want to be, then try these 3 tips. They worked great for me.

• Prioritise – I used time as an excuse, “I can’t take care of myself because I don’t have time to”. Make time! There is never enough time but you have to prioritise; your baby won’t remember that you gave her a late shower because you needed to eat.
• Talk to your partner or loved ones (someone who was always aware of your goals) – My husband was always aware of my goals. So, when he noticed my lack of self-focus, he called me up on it.
• Pick one thing- No matter how busy you get, try to do one thing for yourself each day that brings you closer to your goal. For me, it can be as little as a 30min workout (gotta get my body back). Remember, you should never be too tired to work on yourself. You’ll thank yourself for it.
• Ask for help- I am still working on this one myself. If you’re anything like me, you might find this difficult. I have this mentality of “she’s my responsibility and I want to be the perfect parent”. You don’t have to be superwoman, don’t try to do it all by yourself especially if you don’t have to.  Let grandma help. Let her spend time with daddy while you take care of yourself. Your health will thank you for it and so will your baby.

You can’t pour from an empty jug. Take care of yourself. It takes a little more work, but you’ll thank yourself for it. I’m still tired most days, but I am happy.

Till next time

-A

2016!!!

“Bear in mind that if all the people combined together to grant you some benefit, they would not be able to do it unless Allah has determined it for you. And that if all of them combined together to do you harm, they would not be able to do it unless Allah has determined it for you. The pens have been set aside and writing of the Book of Fate have become dry.” [Tirmidhi]

If anyone told me that I’d get married in 2016, I would have literally said “LIES”. Having just called off an engagement that year, getting married in that same year just wasn’t a thought that I entertained.

2016 was a rollercoaster of a year for me. It started off great. I had just moved to a new place which I was really happy with. I was planning  ‘my dream wedding’ which was to be held that December. I was picking flowers, bridesmaids, colours, styles. The biggest worry I had was finding a venue big enough for all my 300+ guests.

Fast forward to a couple of months later, I painfully realised that the wedding I had spent all that time planning was not one that I wanted. So, I called it off. With that, came several different emotions. The most prominent being pain. I felt pain like I had never felt before. With pain, came loneliness. No matter how much everyone tried, no one completely understood how I was feeling.

Then, came Ramadhan. The month included in-depth discussions with the only being who I felt understood how I was feeling. Every day I had a list. A list of things that I wanted to discuss. He (God) became my best friend. I wasn’t so upset anymore. I started to actually laugh. Not pretend to laugh. I made peace with the whole situation. It was now in the past.

I was back to my old self. I prayed to God and asked him to give me whatever He thought was best for me. I entertained the idea of getting married at some point. There was no rush. Maybe 2017. Maybe 2018. But definitely not 2016. That’d be ridiculous!

A couple of months later, I was planning my dream wedding with a man that I was 100% sure about. No second thoughts. No circus. No bridesmaids (sorry girls). Just our family, close friends and God. I was the happiest I had ever been. And all the pain that came with 2016 almost became irrelevant. I got married in December 2016, to the man that was meant for me.

But if anyone had told me I’d be married in 2016, I’d have said ‘Lies’.

So, what did I learn? I learnt…

• We plan but He plans best.
• What it really means to have faith.
• What’s yours won’t pass you by.
• There is light at the end of the tunnel.
• Always listen to yourself.
• When one door closes, another one opens.

I made plans to get married in December. Then, I was like ‘nah, this doesn’t feel right’, so  I cancelled it. I took a leap of faith, knowing there would be consequences, but not knowing what was ahead of me. Then, God was like ‘here you go, this one is yours’. So, I was like ‘alright then’.

Thanking God for 2016, I walked into 2017 a married woman.

Till next time

-A

Black History Month!!!

Without history, there would be no future.

Hi everybody,

I miss writing these posts every week. I am soooooo busy these days, I’ve had to resolve to write every two weeks.

Anyways, let’s get to it. It’s BLACK HISTORY MONTH! Can I just say that I never really paid attention to this month until I started to work in a primary school? Terrible, I know. My knowledge of our history is shameful, it’s so bad. But I plan to fix that. Slowly, but surely. It is important to be aware of the struggles and challenges that people went through to create the world that we live in now.

To celebrate Black History, I have decided to dedicate this post to a black woman, who I have recently come to admire and look up to; Sumayyah Bint Khabbat.

I recently watched a series about Umar Ibn Khattab, a companion of the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him). The series touched on the history of Islam and the struggles the companions went through during the time of the Prophet. As Sumayyah was one of the companions, snippets of her life were shown, mostly focusing on her struggles after accepting Islam. My heart broke watching her go through all that pain. The series left me in awe of this amazing woman. I just could not get over the emotional  strength she displayed.

Sumayyah was a black slave, who was later granted freedom by her master. She married and had three children. She was one of the first few people to accept Islam and later became the first martyr of Islam. She converted to Islam at a time when Muslims were persecuted just for being Muslims. She and plenty of other Muslims were continuously tortured for accepting Islam. She was put through physical and emotional pain. But despite all of this, her faith did not waiver one bit. She was pressured, coaxed, bribed, threatened. She was put through the worst kind of tortures but she stood her ground and held onto her beliefs. According to Islamic law, she had every right to denounce her faith by tongue to save her life. BUT she didn’t! She held on tight to her faith and became the first martyr of Islam. She died standing up for what she believed in. This woman is goals!

She held her head high and looked the world straight in the eye. Celebrate her strength.

So, why is she one of my role models? Sumayyah didn’t just accept Islam but she believed in it and saw the truth in it. She acted on her beliefs and values. This woman, regardless of the torture she was put through, held on to what she believed in. She did not let it alter the person that she was. It’s very rare to find people like that these days. Not just in terms of religion, but every aspect of life. When things take the wrong turn, we are very quick to give up on our beliefs. We are very quick to take the easy way out. It is very easy to say that we believe in certain things ideas or qualities. But when it comes down to it, a lot of us are easily persuaded or coerced into doing things that go against those beliefs.

Sumayyah’s resilience, positive attitude, perseverance, determination, and patience are qualities that I can only pray for. To be able to have such strong faith and live it through different aspects of my life. To be able to stay true to myself when others tell me otherwise. That’s strength.

Till next time

-A

Sunshine Blogger Award

Hi everybody!!! Hope ye had a great week

I got nominated for the Sunshine Blogger Award!!! Eek! Huge thank you to  anonymouslyafroirish for nominating me and for putting a huge smile on my face. The Sunshine Blogger Award is an award given to ‘bloggers who are positive and creatively inspire others in the blogosphere”, so it feels pretty cool to have been nominated.

AnonymouslyAfroIrish has given me a set of questions that I have to answer. These questions are generally designed to give some insight into the person that I am. So, let’s go!

• What is your favourite quote?

I’m not sure that I have a favourite quote. However, there is a particular one that I try to live by. I have it in my Instagram bio, so it must be legit!

“Today I shall behave as if this is the day I will be remembered” – Dr. Seuss.

This quote serves as a reminder really. It’s only as I get older that I try to implement this into my life. No one knows what tomorrow holds, so I always try to be the best person that I can be. it doesn’t always happen, but I do try.

• What is your favourite childhood memory?

These questions are hard! I don’t remember much of my childhood. I think a lot of my memories are slightly made up from pictures that I may have seen from my childhood. However, I know for a fact that this one is real. I was in boarding school in Nigeria. Anyone that went to boarding school knows that there is a hierarchic system. The younger and smaller you are, the less power you have. You were sent on errands by ‘seniors’ and had to do as they said. They would ask you to get their lunch, fill up their water bottles e.t.c. I was very shy going into boarding school. Every time I passed the senior hostels to go to my hostel, I’d get stopped by one senior or another.  On this particular day, a senior stopped me and asked me to go fill up her bottle. I’m not sure what came over me, but I literally took the bottle, kicked it in the air and ran. I still don’t know what came over me but I’ve never been the same since. I just couldn’t accept what I thought was unfair. I still can’t.

• The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Well, this one is easy. the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is calling off my engagement! I’m sure ye can imagine why.

• Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Hmm.. where do I see myself in 10 years? In 10 years, I hope to be happily married with children (twins, preferably). I hope to be a qualified teacher, educational psychologist and a personal trainer. I also hope to be empowering women in some shape or form.

• How does writing your blog make you feel?

At the beginning, my blog was mainly a place for me to vent. I started it while I was in my final year in college/university. I was ridiculously stressed, with so much to do. I remember it very clearly. I was sitting on my bed, my laptop on my lap, on the phone to a friend moaning about final year. It was during that conversation that I remembered that I used to write and felt that I needed to write. Putting my thoughts on the page made me feel slightly better about whatever was happening at the time. It wasn’t much of a blog to begin with. I really only shared with a couple of friends.

• What is your favourite television show/movie and why?

I don’t really have a favourite tv show/movie. I don’t have a lot of favourites mostly because I am a huge critic. I watch a lot of different genres. I don’t do thrillers/horror, though!

• What is your favourite book?

Again, I don’t really have favourites. However, the first book that comes to mind is ‘If I Should Speak’ by Umm Zakiyyah. I read this book a couple of years ago and I’ve been meaning to read it again. Out of all the books that I’ve read, this book has had the most impact on my spiritual  life.

• What are your biggest regrets?

I honestly do not have any regrets. I try to see ‘mistakes’ as a learning curve. The decisions I made in the past made the person that I am today. I am super proud of that person, so I don’t have any regrets.

• What is your biggest achievement to date?

I found this question quite difficult to answer. I really had to think about what I’ve achieved that makes me feel accomplished. I think my biggest achievement is the person that I am today. I’m not sure it is something that I can explain. There’s still a long way to go, but I have definitely come a long way. I’ve come a long way from the girl who said she’d never wear the hijab, the girl who was too scared to take a leap… I’m still working on her, but I’m very much proud of that girl. Alhamdulillah!

I’m now going to nominate TheMuslimGirl 🙂

Till next time

-A

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Different paths…

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.  

Hi everybody,

Today, I decided to talk about our different paths in life. I recently visited a friend who just had a baby. During my visit, she showed me pictures of her son. Naturally, I started to show her pictures of my babies (my goddaughter and her sister) too. Well, they’re my friend’s kids, but the same thing, right? It was a battle of cuteness “your son is gorgeous, but check out these beauties”. As I showed off my kids, I mentioned that I had a lot of babies around me and I felt like I needed to start playing catch-up. I was joking, but the comment led to my friend enquiring about the family I had just shown her.

The two kids I showed her belonged to a dear friend of mine. We went to secondary school together. My friend is now 23. She fell pregnant with her first daughter at the age of 19 and fell pregnant again at 22 with her second daughter. So, she is a mother to two beautiful girls at quite a young age. I, on the other hand, like a lot of other people in our year group either went on to college or to do something other than having babies. Most people from our year have now graduated and are either in jobs, looking for jobs or doing a postgrad.

So, why am I telling you this? I’m telling you this because I think it is important that we realise that people take different paths in life. The steps that we take carry us on certain paths. Sometimes, we take the wrong steps due to various reasons. My friend didn’t plan on getting pregnant at 19, but she did. She took a step that brought her on a different path than she wanted at the time. But she didn’t let that stop her. She went back to school, worked for what she wanted and now been offered a place in College.

Not saying that getting pregnant at 19 is a bad decision. However, for my friend college was a goal that she wanted to achieve and getting pregnant at that time got in the way of that. She took a path that brought her on a different route, but she re-routed as soon as she could. Everybody has different goals. It could be that you wanted a career in teaching, but for some reason or another, you didn’t get the points required for it. So, you had to take a different route. Perhaps,  you needed to do an add-on course in order to acquire more points before going in to do the degree, while others had gotten in straight away. Maybe like my friend you had your children first before your studies, or you had to repeat a year. It could be repeating your leaving certificate or a year in a university .It all doesn’t matter as long as you continue to push to get to where you want to be. It doesn’t make you any less of a person. It doesn’t make anyone else better you. In fact, I find that these situations can sometimes bring out the strength in a person. Generally, this is because it’s harder to get back on track. I am very proud of my friend today. She’s the epitome of strength. She has two amazing children and is soon to have a degree.

We all have an idea of what we want our lives to be like. If you feel like you’re not on the track that you would like to be or the path you’re on is not going to get you to your desired destination, please realise that it’s never too late to do something about it. Whatever your destination is, do not give up on getting there because of a misstep or two. It’s very easy to get comfortable in whatever situation that you find yourself in. Don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t live your life regretting about things that you could have done. Like I said, it’s never too late. It will most likely be difficult. It will take a lot of commitment, strength and a lot of those other good things. But you can do it! Remember that nothing good comes easy.

For those that are blessed enough to be happy on the path that they’re on, please do not make anyone feel any less of a person because of the decisions that they made either intentionally or unintentionally. Especially when these individuals are working hard to correct those decisions. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.

Till next time

-A

Do you have a Plan B?

“she needed a hero, so that’s what she became”

Hey everybody,

During the past week, I watched two movies in which the main female characters were subjected to domestic abuse. Although there were other factors surrounding the abuse, I noticed that there was one common denominator. Finance! Both women were worried about how they would manage themselves financially if they abandoned the relationship. Before I go any further, I want to point out that this post is not about domestic abuse. This post is about independence.

The movie reminded me of a conversation I had with an acquaintance. Let’s call her Jane. Jane is married with two children. It could be three now, I’m not sure. Jane is a full-time housewife or Domestic Engineer, as I like to call it. She holds no qualifications and as far as I know has no job skills. During my conversation with Jane, she made a comment that left me pondering. We were talking about our different paths in life. I was studying for my degree and she was making babies. I’m not sure what led to the comment but she basically said that she didn’t need a degree because her husband had one. As I said earlier, this situation left me puzzled. I wasn’t aware that one could inherit a degree or that one could borrow it. If someone had told me that, I would have stayed at home too. Why bother going through all that work, when you can just borrow your husband’s?

Jane’s husband is educated; he can hopefully get a good job with his degree. So, why would she need to go get another degree? It would only be a waste of time and money, as she plans on staying at home with the kids full-time, right? WRONG!!!

None of us knows what tomorrow holds. Jane doesn’t know what her husband is going to decide tomorrow. It is possible that she could be lucky and blessed enough to never need financial independence from her husband. But what if she’s not? What happens if her husband ups and leaves? What happens if she NEEDS to leave? No one goes into a marriage planning to exit. But it happens every day for various reasons. You do not want to be stuck in a horrible situation because of financial reasons. But apart from that, what about your independence?

I’m not saying, don’t become a Domestic Engineer. In fact, I honestly think it’s one of the most difficult and rewarding jobs out there. I’m also not saying that getting a degree is the be all and end all. What I’m saying is to be aware that things do not always go according to plan and so one should have a backup plan. And that backup plan should not be in the form of a man. If things go haywire, you want to be able to stand on your own two feet. Also, I know that sometimes life happens, and so one might not necessarily have a backup plan for various reasons. However, it’s never too late to put something in place. This post is for those that have made the decision to sit down comfortably at home without having something to fall back on. Don’t wait until things collapse. Be ready to be your own hero.

What are your thoughts?

 

Till next time

 

-A

 

Do you know your rights?

“O you who believe, it is not legal for you to inherit women against their will…” Quran 4:19

I was talking to a friend the other day. During our conversation, she disclosed that a friend of hers was basically being forced into marriage. Her friend is being forced even though she has made it very clear that she has no interest in the guy or the marriage. Her friend won’t report it to the authorities because she doesn’t want her parents to get in trouble. My friend is terrified that her friend is going to go through with it due to the pressure being put on her by her parents.

In trying to find a solution, the two girls sort help from a sheikh. When I was told this, my spirit lifted. I had hoped that the sheikh would be able to give her reasonable and knowledgeable advice and maybe even talk to her parents on her behalf. Instead, the Sheikh told her that she needed to do what her parents were asking of her. He pointed out that Allah has commanded us to please our parents and to always listen to them. So, for that reason, she should go through with the marriage.

Now, this angered me (I seem to be getting angry a lot lately LOL). Yes, Allah asks us to treat our parents with utmost respect and to listen to them. This is completely understandable when you think of the role our parents play in our lives. I mean, parents go through a lot for their children. BUT Allah also gives us the RIGHT to say no when we are offered marriage. It is a RIGHT that we are given and nobody should take that away from us. When He who we worship gives us that right, nobody should be allowed to take it from us. Not even our parents. He tells us to respect and listen to our parents EXCEPT when they push us towards that which is Haram.

For a marriage to be successful in the eyes of Allah, the requirement of offer and acceptance has to be fulfilled. The man asks and the woman can either say yes OR no. She has to be willing to go into that marriage, not forced, not coerced. It is one of the obligatory conditions that have to be met for a Nikkah to be valid and Halal. If it is not valid, it is obviously not halal.

SO, what’s the point?
I feel like religion is being used to manipulate people into situations that they do not want to be in. We are told that we are expected to listen and respect our parents, which is true. BUT they conveniently leave out the fact that there are times when we have the right to do otherwise.

I guess the point of this post is for young girls/women to come to the realisation that they do have a right to say NO. GOD gave you that right for a reason. Because He knows YOU are going to be in the marriage, not your parents. And saying that you want to go into a marriage just because you’re told that the Qur’an says you have to please your parents is not a valid reason. I know it’s hard but it’s really up to YOU. I just want you to know that you can say no. It’s your God-given right. YOU need to decided whether you want to exercise the right that Allah has bestowed upon us.

I pray that Allah strengthens anyone in this situation to do whatever is best for them.

Till next time

-A

Stop being so ‘Westernised’.

I am often referred to as being ‘too westernised’. I have lost my Nigerian roots and therefore need to reacquaint myself with my roots and culture.

Generally, statements like this wouldn’t bother me. However, in this particular case, it did. The last time I was referred to as being westernised was during a discussion about marriage. Basically, I had complained about the lack of consideration that I sometimes noticed in Nigerian marriages and I was making it clear that I was not going to stand for it. I gave a clear example of how husbands inevitably treat their wives as slaves. I’m not saying all Nigerian men do it, but it is definitely something that the culture encourages. The woman’s job is to keep the home and the man’s job is to bring money into the home. And this is taken as the norm regardless of what the situation is.

This might have worked in our parent’s age, when the man worked and the women were housewives or as I like to call it now, ‘domestic engineers’. But in these times, when both the man and woman work or the woman is the breadwinner, are we still suppose to stick to the old mantra? The response I got back should not have surprised me, but it did. It surprised and angered me. To summarise it, I was told that I needed to go read about women in the past and study how they lived their lives. A woman’s role was to take care of the house and her husband and she should be happy doing it regardless of the situation.

I’m sorry, but no. I want to make it clear that I have no problem taking care of our home. I have absolutely no problem taking care of my man either. In fact, it will give me great pleasure doing it. However, I don’t see how asking for your partner’s consideration is westernised. It isn’t just my home, it is OUR home. In a situation where the man isn’t working, he still expects her to come home after work to make pounded yam and efo for him. The efo is in the fridge, processed pounded yam is there, why can’t he boil water and make food for himself or even better, for the both of them. Why does she have to come home and do all that? It is acceptable for him to sit in the house and do nothing all day, and still, wait for his wife to come home and wait on him. Because he is the head of the house. Lies. That’s not marriage. It’s slavery and I’m not interested.

I don’t understand how a person can claim to love another person, while putting them in constant discomfort. If a person truly cares about you, they should want to make things easier for you, not more difficult. And sometimes making things easier, isn’t about giving me money to cook. Sometimes, it is about picking up the hoover and hoovering. Sometimes, it is about cooking a meal because I am wrecked. Sometimes, it is about cleaning the bathroom. Sometimes, it is about attending to the crying baby, rather than passing the child to me (why can’t you change the nappy? it takes two to tango!). Sometimes, it is about letting me sleep in on a Saturday morning. I don’t care what culture says, times have changed.

Sometimes our roles in the home changes. When it does, what worked before might not work as well anymore. Sometimes, couples need to go back to the drawing board and find something else that works for everyone. I don’t see this happening in a lot of Nigerian marriages. I see a lot of unhappy and tired women. For me, it is a problem. One that I am not willing to get myself into.

Till next time

-A