During courtship, my now husband and I took the love language quiz out of curiosity. I had completely forgotten about it until recently. As I reflect now, I realise just how significant that test was and the impact it may have had on my marriage if I had taken it a little more seriously. At the time of the test, my strongest love language was Words of Affirmation. Although, Acts of Service was a close second. Since going back to work and becoming a mum, Acts of service is now my strongest . Again, this may change in the future when I have more time on my hands. However, working full time with a baby makes you really appreciate someone doing something tangible to support you.
Through the course of our marriage, I expressed ‘love’ to my husband the way I thought was best; the way I would have liked to be shown love. My husband’s job requires him to work long hours. He spends most of his week and weekends working. This meant that he had little time to help out around the house. In trying to support him and convey my love for him, I took it upon myself to do everything around the home. I overworked myself with chores around the house to show that I cared about him. As far as I was concerned, I was being considerate of his workload and I was expressing that to him.
This worked for a while. However, I began to feel frustrated because I was constantly working and felt I was doing everything (read more about that here). I was trying to express my love for this man by doing everything that I could possibly do to ease his workload and I was getting nothing in return. I found it very difficult to understand why my message wasn’t getting across. After several arguments and discussions, I realised that although I was going above and beyond, he was not responding to these acts of ‘love’ because he didn’t see them as an expression of love. Acts of service was not his love language; he just saw them as things I did because I wanted to do them or because I could do them.
It took a while, a really long time to actually understand this. I really had to stop thinking about what I wanted from him and focus on what he needed from me. I focused on my responsibilities rather than what I felt were my rights. I pretty much had to get off my high horse and began to actually listen to what my husband was telling me. In his complaints, I discovered what he wanted from me as a wife; his love language.
This revelation had and has continued to have a positive impact on my marriage. I started to speak to him in the language that he responded to and consequently he began to speak my language. We began to understand each other a lot more than we did because we were communicating in a language that allowed the other person to hear us and understand us. This immediately decreased our arguments and allowed us to hear each other in a way that we hadn’t before.
Till next time,